


Insecurities

by SecondFromTheRight



Series: Insecurities [1]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecondFromTheRight/pseuds/SecondFromTheRight
Summary: After following Buffy back to Sunnydale from LA, Angel wants to deal with Buffy's Faith issues. When it becomes clear Buffy has more than just Faith issues regarding him, he wants to deal with those too. The Yoko Factor alternative.Buffy had listened, she had let him finish. He promised it wasn’t like that. But all she could see was them together, over and over in her mind. A nightmare come to life. Again.“You still don’t have to play games with me, Buffy. No matter what we are or aren’t to each other now – you never have to play games with me. Ask me.” She looked up at him, his eyes tense and staring into her. “Ask me.” He repeated.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I always wanted Buffy and Angel to talk about some of the insecurities of their relationship, because I think they could have really made things better for each other if they had. And I always wished their The Yoko Factor conversation had been a bit more honest and a bit more equal.
> 
> I've been overly cautious with the rating.

“Buffy,” Angel turned back around to face her, standing in the middle of her dorm hallway. “About Faith.”

“Hey, like I said, we’re not – it’s…it’s your business and –“ she rambled, shutting down. It was too hard. Admitting they weren’t in each other’s lives anymore was about as much as she could take.

“Buffy.” He said it with the same statement inflection as always, like it was an answer itself – like it was thee answer itself, but there was an undercurrent of disappointment mixed in. Like he had thought they had been getting somewhere and she just ruined it by putting all the walls back up as if the last few minutes hadn’t happened. She looked away again.

“Sorry,” eyes fleeting away and down as to avoid his stare. She couldn’t see the disappointment too. “Faith is just…she doesn’t exactly bring out the security in me.” She said quietly, shy at showing so much of herself. He had the power to burn her. Him talking about Faith had the power to burn her.

He started walking back towards her with sure, determined steps, more into her space than he had been so far. She chanced looking up at him, her arms still wrapped around her middle. He just looked at her, waiting, she guessed. She took a breath. “You said it wasn’t what it looked like.” She offered.

His jaw tensed slightly, pausing before he spoke. “It wasn’t.”

“So what was it like then?”

“Buffy”, he started, then seemed to change his mind. “I really wish we weren’t having this conversation in your dorm hallway.” Buffy wasn’t sure what to make of that. She thought maybe he was trying to lighten the mood some, but she also feared he was trying to prepare her for some terrible news. Something that would break her apart even more. She didn’t want the mood lightened, she wanted Angel to tell her she didn’t have anything to fear. She looked away again, the arms around herself getting tighter. She heard him sigh softly, seeming to have picked up how unwanted humour was right now.

“I said we were attacked. That’s what happened. That’s all that happened.”

“Your shirt was unbuttoned.” She was quick to point out. “You had your arms around her. She was all over you.” She was attacking now and she knew it, but she couldn’t stop.

“She wasn’t.” He denied, making Buffy quickly look up at him, angry he was trying to tell her things she knew were true, weren’t. Did he expect her to believe that? She had seen it! “We were attacked,” she went to protest again but he put a hand up and talked over her. “I was in the shower and she was watching TV in the other room. I finished and went to get dressed, putting on a shirt when I heard something crash from where she was. I went through to see what had happened. Faith had seen the police report about her on TV. It upset her.” He told her clinically. Buffy snorted, huffing at the idea of poor Faith needing comfort after seeing herself and what she’d done. He ignored her and kept talking. “As we were watching the report, we were attacked by a demon that had been sent to kill her, and me.”

Buffy frowned. “Why would –“

Angel interrupted her again, answering the question before she could get it out. “Faith didn’t just come after me, Buffy. She was hired by some people who don’t like me very much. She was hired to kill me. When she didn’t, they sent others to do the job for her and take her out as well.”

“Is that supposed to make me trust her? That she only murders for money?” she focused on her vengeance instead of the information of people sending murderers to kill Angel. Was that a regular thing? Worry threatened to take over but she clamped it down. It wasn’t her responsibility anymore, she wasn’t allowed to worry about him anymore.

“No, it’s just how it is and you’re supposed to listen to me and let me finish.” He didn’t say it with anger, a little frustration if anything, but Buffy still felt chastised. She stayed quiet and let him continue. “The demon attacked us. I should have sensed it but I had been distracted. Not because of that.” He quickly reassured before she could say anything about how Faith could be distracting for him. “It hasn’t been easy for me, okay. I found out about Riley from Faith. She thought I knew. And dealing with Faith means thinking about you, about Sunnydale. I believed I could help her and I didn’t want to screw it up by thinking about myself. So yes, I was distracted.” Buffy continued to stay quiet, biting the inside of her lip gently. Finding out about Riley had upset Angel. Was she supposed to have told him? Just call him up and say hi, Angel, just to let you know I’m doing the human relationship thing you so wanted me to have? “Hey,” he pulled her out of her thinking, lowering his head to catch her eyes. “I’m not criticising you, Buffy. I told you to move on. I’m just telling you what happened – what it was like.” He always knew what she was thinking. Even now, not in each other’s worlds anymore, he still knew, knew her.

“So how does being attacked lead to…what I saw?” she tried to get back on track.

“The demon’s blood was red. Faith killed it and the blood got on her hands. She panicked.”

“Why? Because it was so reminding of when she’d murdered people?” she asked flippantly.

“Yes.” Simple answer. “So, I,” he took a pause, like he was worried about the wording. “comforted her. But not like that, Buffy. I promise.”

Buffy had listened, she had let him finish. He promised it wasn’t like that. But all she could see was them together, over and over in her mind. A nightmare come to life. Again.

“You still don’t have to play games with me, Buffy. No matter what we are or aren’t to each other now – you never have to play games with me. Ask me.” She looked up at him, his eyes tense and staring into her. “Ask me.” He repeated.

“Did you…” she started but couldn’t finish. Angel remained still next to her, patient and giving her the time she needed. “Did you…want her?” 

“No.” he was quick to answer and Buffy immediately felt suspicious. Faith was stunning. All womanhood and sexuality. Curves Buffy didn’t have, attitude and fire Buffy didn’t have. She had all Buffy’s slayer strengths but none of her childish weaknesses. She could understand a wildness of Angel she never could. Why wouldn’t he want her?

“I thought we had covered this before, last year? I thought you believed me on this.” He sounded genuinely confused, clearly misjudging how insecure Faith made her. Granted, he didn’t know about what Faith had done in her latest destroy Buffy’s life adventure. At least, she hoped he didn’t know, but even still, she thought he’d know better. He must know how much of a sticking point this was for her, after what they had been through, and after how she’d been in LA.

“It was different then.” She answered.

“Why?”

“Because we were together. Because you loved me. I knew you would never cheat on me, Angel. You were too good for that. But now it’s different; you don’t have to stay faithful to me now.” ‘Faithful’. How ironic.

“Do you think I don’t love you now?” god, what a question to ask. She didn’t want to answer. She didn’t know how to answer. She wasn’t sure what she felt about it. Sometimes it seemed so obvious. She knew he loved her, that he would do anything for her. The ends of the world kind of love, literally. That his love for her was so pure and so devoted that questioning it was insulting. But then she’d remember that he wasn’t here anymore, that he left her alone, without him, without his love, that he hadn’t listened to what she wanted. Then she remembered that he had hit her to keep Faith safe, from her. That he’d yelled at her and told her to go home. But then he’d chased after her all the way to Sunnydale to apologise and make sure she was alright. She didn’t know how to answer. She dodged it instead.

“It’s not about that. You could be with her if you want now. You’re not restricted by our relationship now. I’m not there. The only thing stopping you is the curse.”

“I don’t want her. I’ve never wanted her.” He seemed a little angry now, brow tightening. But Buffy wasn’t going to let go. He’d asked for this, made her open up.

“What? Is she too sexy for you? Too dangerous for you? You only like your girlfriends to be plain and good without blood on their hands?” She bit. She expected him to fight back, to be offended and point out how childish and insecure and unreasonable she was being, but looking at him he suddenly just looked sad.

“Is that how I made you feel?” he asked.

“What?” She was caught off guard. What was he actually asking?

“Like you weren’t good enough? Like you were something unimportant, weak or simple or that I wanted something else? Is that how I made you feel?”

Buffy paused. There was a trick question if there was one and she still wasn’t sure exactly what he was asking. Did he mean before, when they were together? Or when he left her? Or did he mean in LA? When he’d lost his soul, even? There were very different answers depending on what the question actually was. She didn’t say anything. It stayed quiet in the hallway and Buffy wished they hadn’t started this. That he hadn’t said anything after starting to walk down the hallway, that he hadn’t stopped and looked back and that Faith’s name had never come out of his mouth. And god, Riley was still waiting in the room for her. She’d actually forgotten. He still didn’t know about Forest. She was an awful person. No wonder it was so hard to love her.

“Riley’s waiting” she spoke to the ground.

“I don’t care.” 

“Angel.” she said surprised. An impolite Angel wasn’t a common thing, despite his little macho showdown in her room before. 

“We have to talk about this.” He stated.

“Do we?”

“Yes. I didn’t know…” he trailed off. “Yes, we have to talk about it. I’m not leaving.”

“Don’t you have to get back to LA? What if Faith calls from her jail-cell and you need to go running to her?” spite was leading her again, but it was just too much. All opened up and it hadn’t helped at all, it had just made it even worse. She was starting to wish he hadn’t even come after her and she hated herself for that because when he had said he had come to make things better her entire body and mind had just soothed, like for that one second she understood the world again, and it was a safe place. Angel worrying about her was something she understood. It was familiar and right, it kept her together. Arguing with Angel in a hallway whilst her boyfriend waited for her in her room wasn’t familiar at all and she didn’t want it.

“I have to go to Riley.” She’d decided. She needed away from…this. She had to be a grown up, a good girlfriend and deal with things that actually were in her life now. She could hear Angel breathing, which was weird, seeing as he didn’t breathe. She risked looking up at him, curious. He looked so tense, like he was holding so much back. Part of her wanted to push, get him to release whatever it was he was holding onto, but she couldn’t afford to. She turned to walk away to her room, towards Riley and away from Angel. Towards her boyfriend and away from her ex. That shouldn’t feel so wrong, that shouldn’t be the way it was. She pushed through the discomfort. It wasn’t like she had a choice, anyway. Angel had decided for both of them. Suddenly his hand was on her arm, stopping her from moving away. She couldn’t even feel his skin through her thick sweater but she could feel his strength, his confidence of movement. She’d missed it, so much. She stayed still, not moving but not really acknowledging him either.

“I’m not leaving,” he repeated. “I’ll be at the mansion. Please, Buffy. I’ll be there all night. We need to talk about this. I came to sort things. I need to… Please come.” Angel needing. That was an interesting concept, one that picked at her to follow him, explore it, give in, do anything. 

“Would you know me?” she risked asking.

“What?” a clueless Angel, also a rare thing.

“Would you know me?” she asked again. “Like if maybe I didn’t seem…like myself. If I looked differently or I acted differently or…” she trailed off, asking one more time “Would you know me?”

He was quiet for a moment, probably wondering what on earth she was talking about. She should expect him to ask what she meant, really. It would be fair of him to ask before answering. But more often than not, Angel got it right. “If I was blind I would see you.” He said softly, but so surely. Buffy’s breath caught. How could he…did he… She couldn’t even think. Her heart raced and she knew he heard it. His hand still on her arm tightened, grasping her, anchoring her. “I’ll be at the mansion” he said after a moment, then he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've completely omitted Riley's love confession. Readers can have the opinion it happened or not but I've written this as if it hasn't. Simply because given this is so B/A, I thought that would be a little mean to Riley - if he had done that and Buffy doesn't acknowledge it here at all.

She had been the grown up and the good girlfriend. Well, mostly. For a time, at least. She had dealt with what needed to be dealt with immediately, anyway. She’d broken the news to Riley. She’d given comfort as the supportive girlfriend. She’d explained LA, enough to reassure at least. He’d thought Angel was evil. She wanted to be relieved she could tell him he was wrong, but it just pointed out how far away Riley was from her. He’d known ‘bad’ Angel, as he’d called him, was one of the worst, most dangerous. That’s what he thought he had handled? A scuffle and a difficult Angel in an alleyway? He had no idea. They were so far apart in so many ways. But Riley made it easy to be someone impressive, to be surprising, to be someone powerful and in control. There was little vulnerability with Riley. He looked at her with a warm smile, so taken by what he thought she was. It felt nice sometimes. It felt easy. She could fulfill the role expected of her. It was also easy to lie and hide, to keep so much of herself back from him, highlighted by the fact that she now walked towards the mansion, Riley entirely clueless. She hadn’t told him that Angel had gone back to LA, but she knew he assumed. And why wouldn’t he? She had gone back into her room and been there with him. Suspecting Angel was across town waiting for her wouldn’t even enter his mind.

She stopped, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath as she entered the entrance of the mansion. Soft light glowed, probably the fire, she thought. She hadn’t been back here since…that night, when she’d given herself to save him. They’d never talked about it, like so many other things they hadn’t talked about, it seemed. Faith was involved then too. But she didn’t want to associate it with Faith. That moment, she had felt closer to him than almost ever in their entire relationship. Was he ashamed of how she had reacted? She didn’t expect to react like that. She’d wondered so many times since Angel had left if that’s how she’d react to any vampire bite. Her mind argued no, she couldn’t, because she hadn’t reacted that way with the Master, but maybe something had changed within her. Angel was the only one she could talk to about it but Angel wouldn’t talk to her about anything. Except now, it seemed, where he wanted to talk about Faith. She sighed again before stepping into the front room. She’d been right about the fire, but it was the only thing in the room with life – Angel wasn’t to be seen, and she didn’t want to call out for him. She took a seat on the sofa. It looked so clean, the cushion soft underneath her. At a glance you wouldn’t know nobody lived here anymore, but she felt it. So much of her world had been here, how could she not feel the absence of life here in comparison to how it used to be.

She wanted to lie down on the couch. Pretend it was last year, that Angel, her boyfriend, would be home soon and she was just waiting for him, a home she was welcome in. That he’d wake her up and he’d kiss the smile she beamed at seeing him. Then later they’d go out patrolling, walk hand and hand and he’d fight with her, help her. They’d be together, a partnership.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?” she jumped at his voice. He spoke from a distance and when she looked at him he was staring at her across the room. His coat was off and his dark sweater looked so good on him. It softened the hardness of the body she knew he had. It looked like he had cleaned up the blood on his face from earlier. He sounded rough, a little desperate. “Do you?” he started walking towards her.

“I did.” She revealed quietly. Part of her was ashamed for not vehemently defending his love, but she was so tired, and he wouldn’t be here tomorrow, but she would.

“When did you stop knowing that I love you?” did he really have the right to ask her that? Did it even matter? She decided to ask him that outright.

“Does it matter, Angel? Why are you even here? You’ve come just to throw my life into a whirlwind again? Give easy reassurances that you expect me just to accept before dumping me again and leaving me? Why does it matter whether I think you love me or not?”

“Because it’s the only worthwhile thing I’ve ever done my entire life, Buffy. Because it’s real and without it I’m nothing.”

“That’s not fair.” She argued, completely not expecting him to say such a thing.

“That’s not what I…” he sighed, coming closer to her. He crouched down in front of her. “It’s selfish of me. But I need –“ there was that need again. Angel needing. She challenged it, cutting off whatever else he was going to say.

“Need? Do you need anything? Really? Other than blood? What about what I need?”

“I left to give you what you need Buffy. A chance at something good, something that wasn’t me, holding you back, keeping you in the dark.” None of it was new and neither was the anger she felt at hearing it.

“That isn’t what I need! It’s never what I needed!”

“Buffy,”

“No!” she interrupted him, jumping up from the couch and away from him. “No. You asked me to come here, you followed me back to Sunnydale, you fought with Riley, you got to say what you wanted. You wanted to me here, well I’m here! But you have to listen to me too! And actually hear me. I’m not a child, Angel!”

“I’m not saying you are,” he denied.

“Aren’t you? You won’t listen to me, deciding what you think is right and best for me because silly Buffy can’t possibly be capable of knowing herself. Just admit you don’t want me!”

“Of course I do. Jesus, Buffy.”

“You left me!”

“Because I love you!”

“That’s just stupid!”

“Is it? My love for you causes the end of the world!” Did he have to say it out loud? God, that hurt, because she could argue the specifics, but when it came down to it, he was right.

“Then maybe you should just go screw Faith then! You wouldn’t have to love her and feel bad for it. I’m sure she’s up for anything.”

“If you hadn’t noticed, she’s a bit inaccessible at the moment.” He said snidely and Buffy flinched, her heart stilling, her face falling.

“Right, so that’s why you’re here. Well at least I got the answer now.” She swallowed and turned to storm away, she couldn’t do this. How had she not learned by now? He was next to her in an instant, grabbing her. She let instinct take over, anger and humiliation amplifying her fight. She punched him, and he did nothing. Even that she found insulting. “What? You don’t need to hit me back this time cuz poor Faith isn’t around needing her hero?” she taunted.

“I don’t want Faith!”

“Why not?!”

“Because you’re the only thing I’ve ever loved. Because my entire being screams for you, all the time. To be with you, to love you, to take you, to protect you. It’s like my own heartbeat, it’s constant and it’s how I know I’m actually alive, as much as I can be. I don’t want anyone else, I don’t even see anyone else. It’s you, Buffy. It’s just you. Even if I’m not with you, you’re still there all the time and I don’t even want rid of you, no matter how much it hurts to be without you. I love you, Buffy.”

“But you left me.” She reasoned again.

“Not because I wanted to. Not because I wanted anybody else. Not because I wanted away from you. Certainly not because I didn’t love you, or because I didn’t want to love you.”

Buffy fell to the floor in a puddle, the fight gone. Angel caught her as she landed, going down with her. “It’s not fair.” She cried. He had his arms around her, solid. She could smell him. That Angel smell that soothed her, excited her, completed her. She buried her face in his neck, rubbing her cheek against his sweater. His arms tightened around her, one tucking under her legs to pick her up. He lifted them both and Buffy let herself be carried. He placed her back on the couch. She wasn’t sure if he was going to get up but she grabbed at him before she could find out, keeping him next to her on the sofa. The fire still blazed quietly.

“I’m sorry.” he said in her ear. He touched the cut on her head gently, thumbing over the throb.

“For what?” she tried, her throat scratchy. Her voice sounded almost dead, numbed.

“So many things. For not being able to make this better, for you, for us. For making you question how I feel about you. Making you question how much you’re worth.” He sounded a little broken himself. “I can’t fix things for us Buffy, no matter how much I want to. And, hey, look at me,” his fingers touched her cheek, turning her to face him. “I want to, so badly. But I can’t. But I can try to make you feel…better, about us. Or at least know the truth. I need to do that.” He turned away for a moment, looking angry, his fingers dropping away. “I’m sick of hurting you so much. I don’t mean to. I don’t know what’s right anymore.” He said it like an apology. Burdened and sorry.

She watched him, his hands on his lap, his eyes dark, his strong jaw pulled tight. She wanted – so many things. So many things all to do with Angel. 

“Faith’s a slayer.” She said, disrupting the topic. He was probably sick of her bringing up Faith, but he didn’t show it. He just turned back towards her as if he’d find answer in her. “Like me.”

“She’s not like you,” he argued. “And I don’t want you because you’re a slayer.”

“Don’t you?”

“No. I mean, it’s part of… I love you, slayer role included. I like your slayer strength. How powerful you are. It thrills me, even the demon in me.” Buffy listened. Angel kept looking at her, maybe judging how far he should go. “It turns me on, how strong you are, how you can match and overpower me. Your skills, your flexibility.” Buffy gulped. Angel never talked like this to her, never let on how he felt sexually. “The way your legs can grip me, the way you can take my weight.” Buffy shifted, feeling herself getting warm. Angel’s fleeting look down her body and back up again showed he was aware of the affect he was having on her. He was so close. “You’re incredible, Buffy. As a slayer, you are incredible. But it isn’t why I love you.” His voice was less deep now, softer velvet. “I told you before – it was your heart, Buffy. It’s you, all of you. I’d love you no matter who or what or where we were, vampire and slayer,” he paused and looked pained for a second, “or human and human,” he swallowed. “I would love you.”

Buffy picked up one of his hands in hers. She started playing with his fingers. His hands were so big compared to hers. They were so much softer than they should be for what Angel was, and what he did, so often with a weapon in his hands, so capable of damage. But they were so strong. Hers were strong too though.

“The slayer in Faith doesn’t excite me, Buffy. I’m not Spike; I never had a slayer obsession, through all my errors. You excite me. All of you, any part of you, all parts of you.”

“Thank you” she told him, finally feeling some real weight taken off her.

“Is that what you needed to hear?” he asked her sincerely.

“Pretty much.”

“What else?” he was giving her open access to ask whatever she wanted, to get truth, hopefully reassurance, on whatever she wondered about. She wasn’t sure how brave she could be, but she wanted to take the chance. He turned his fingers around in her hands, linking a few digits together. Would she ever get a chance like this again?

“I’m not…good.” She said, so quietly, absolutely terrified to touch this. She’d pushed it so far back, scared of having it confirmed, but she’d always carried it. Angel never showed his sexual want for her, like it didn’t exist and if they didn’t acknowledge it they could get through their relationship without. Her relationship with Riley had done a little to help assuage her, but it was Angel’s words that had killed, it was only Angel’s words that could heal her.

“What do you mean? You mean compared to Faith?” He asked her confused. God, no, that wasn’t what she meant and it just made it so much worse because yes, she probably was terrible compared to Faith.

“After we were together. In your old apartment.” She was quiet, kept her eyes down and focused on their hands. Their hands, together. She could do this. Angel was silent.

“Buffy,” he started. He sounded surprised, weakened. “God, Buffy. That night was the best night of my life. You were perfect.” She bit her lip, scared to hope yet. It was a scar too deep. “Buffy,” he pleaded with her. His other hand at her face, turning her towards him again. Her face looked at him but she kept her eyes down. He tried to catch them with her own. “Buffy,” he tried again, but she couldn’t. Then his mouth was on hers, desperate, insistent. She automatically responded. It had been so long. Her hand went to his face, pulling him towards her, getting her hands on his skin. She nipped at his lips frantically and he chased her mouth. She could feel the cut on his lip from earlier, licked at it, soothed it. Their linked fingers between them finally separated, quickly coming to each other’s necks, around their backs. Angel pulled Buffy towards him, almost into his lap, more passionate than he had been in forever, his other hand cupping at her neck, sinking into her hair. As breathing got difficult, Angel broke away. She moaned in pouted protest and he let out a pleased little laugh at the noise. His eyes flickered open and he licked his lips, looking at her again. He took her hand in his again and brought it to his lap, putting her hand over his crotch, over him. She felt him. Solid, thick, turned on. For her. From a kiss with her. He took his hand away from hers, but he was still looking at her. “That’s what you do to me. Buffy, that night was perfect. You were perfect. I promise. You fulfilled me in every way. I wish, badly, that we could have had the chance to explore more after, that I got to explore more of you and you got to be free and confident with me, got to learn yourself with me, learn us. I wish we had gotten to wake up together. But you were incredible. You were so passionate and responsive. You loved me, Buffy, you trusted me. It was better than anything else I’d ever experienced.”

“So what…you said…afterwards.” She tread carefully.

“Wasn’t true. You made me feel human, Buffy. You made me feel loved and warm and whole and good. The demon in me rebelled and lashed out to hurt you. I promise, it wasn’t true. Not a damn word.” he vowed.

“Okay.” She was dazed.

“Okay?” he queried.

“I think so.” She felt flushed, alive, distracted. Her hand was still on him, his no longer over hers. She tightened her fingers around him, gripping him through his slacks. He groaned and her eyes flicked up to look at him. He was staring at her, his pupils wide and his eyes so dark. But everything else about him was kept together. He let her touch him as she wanted. 

“Is there anything else?” the timbre of his voice was rumbly. “Anything else you want to ask me, that you’re worried about?”

She shook her head. It was the easiest way to answer. There really was only one major thing left, and she wasn’t sure she could ask. She wasn’t sure it was even fair to ask. He’d been so patient, answering everything for her. Maybe this would be a bit too much to ask of him. She knew he had his own hang-ups about the night he’d bitten her. But she still wondered. She worried at her lip, thoughts still dazed from the kiss. 

“What is it?” he asked her, always knowing. “You can ask me anything, Buffy.”

She took her hand away from him, his thighs tensing as she slid her hand down and she took pleasure in how much she was affecting him. But if she was going to ask this they probably needed to be more aware of themselves. She didn’t think she could just say it, so she took his hand again and brought it to her neck, the side of his bite. She kept it there and looked at him, willing him to get it. His eyes drifted to her neck, to her eyes and back to her neck. She risked taking her hand away from his to see what he’d do, if he’d pull away too. She’d gotten so much from him tonight she didn’t know how much more she could get. To her delight, he kept his hand there on her neck. He tilted his head to get a better view, sweeping her hair away and brushing his thumb right over her scar. She felt tingles, arching her neck for him and her eyes drifting shut before she could help it. Arousal pooled. What was it she had been thinking about being more aware of themselves again? Back and forth his thumb brushed over her. She knew what she felt, and she knew he knew it too, but what did he feel? “Angel,” she breathed, forcing herself to open her eyes.

“Do you hate it?” he asked her instead.

“I love it.” She said defiantly. That seemed to shock him, his hand stilling on her neck for the first time. “I don’t know what that makes me,” she confessed “but I’m so happy to have it; it’s yours.”

“Buffy.”

“Do _you_ hate it?” she asked right back, challenging. He took a moment and she hoped that was a good sign, that he wouldn’t just automatically deny it all away.

“I hate that I hurt you, that I risked your life.” He answered instead and she counted it as a win.

“I don’t regret it, Angel.”

“You should,” he told her. Back to chastising her, but she felt a lot more confident that she had a few hours ago.

“Why? Are you ashamed of how I…reacted?” There, she’d asked it.

“What? No. I nearly killed you, Buffy.” He just blew right past it. So often they focused on entirely different things. They’ve never talked about it. She hadn’t been given a chance before he was leaving town, but it was the most erotic moment of her life and she would die to save him over and over again. She wasn’t going to let him make that moment another thing he tortured himself over, guilty and regretful. 

“I don’t regret it, Angel.” She told him again. “I would have done anything to save you. It was just blood. It was simple.”

“Buffy,” he went to reprimand her and she wasn’t having it.

“Would you have done it for me?” He was quiet, thoughtful. She knew she had him but she wanted to hear it. “Would you?” she demanded of him.

“Yes.” he gave in.

“See, simple.” She brightened in her victory. She even smiled and he narrowed his eyes back at her, which just made her smile more. She almost felt like giggling. “That's not the part I wanted to talk about anyway.”

“You want to talk about the fact that we both came from me biting you?” he blurted honestly. Oh, she’d gotten to him. She was pleased, but she still couldn’t help the blush that ran over her face. She hadn’t expected him to be so frank, but he had been so a number of times tonight.

“Yes.” She answered. She hadn’t even been sure that he had reacted the same way she had. She’d been a little out of it, losing consciousness and so lost in how overwhelmed she had felt at the time. It was nice to have it confirmed. “I didn’t do that, before. With the Master, I mean.” She clarified when he looked at her as if he was a step away from questioning who had dare to bite her.

“Good.” Was all he said, gruffly. Caveman Angel was kind of fun. She did finally giggle and he groaned in response. Pushing it even more she climbed onto his lap, lifting one leg over him and straddling him. She kept some room between them as to not freak him out. Things were finally feeling good and she didn’t want to do something that made him feel like he had to take charge and stop it, in that annoying way he sometimes did. Thankfully, his hands settled on her hips, one arm curling around her waist loosely. She sighed happily.

She felt his hand that sat on her hip rub at the hem of her top, brushing her skin. Then it went fully under her top, fingers touching her and travelling up her body, over her rips. Her breath caught as his hand reached her bra, his thumb catching the underside of her breast. “Wh-what are you doing?” she barely stuttered out, but he heard her.

“I’m not sure. I want to make you cum without having misery as a consequence. I want to watch to you feel that, make you feel that, and know that you’re okay afterwards. That you’re not in danger, that you don’t have to worry about killing me or me killing you. Shouldn’t we have that, Buffy?” he sounded so spent, like he just wanted this one thing.

She didn’t want to say it, she didn’t. She wanted to let him continue, to touch her and make her feel like no one else could, cuz god she agreed with him, yes they should have that, she wanted that. But she had to say it, because she didn’t know if she could survive. “But you’re leaving tomorrow.” She’d said it, and as his hand stilled and dropped from her body, she knew she’d ruined it. Every single time, every single time this happened with them. They couldn’t be happy, they weren’t allowed to be. Well, Angel wasn’t allowed to be happy and by extension, that meant she wasn’t allowed to be happy either.

He kissed her. It was different than before. Quieter, slower. It was to soothe instead of provoking a sexual response. It felt like love. She'd always measured the concept of love by Angel. It was defined by Angel. Her eyes filled with tears as she kissed him back as delicately as she could. She wanted him to feel loved too.

“I trust you, Angel.” She spoke as they pulled away the smallest amount, their faces still so close. She hadn’t said it yet, she hadn’t corrected her mistake in LA. His body slumped back just slightly, into the cushions, like he could relax again. She was so glad she’d told him, she wanted to reassure him too. “I didn’t mean it. I just said it to hurt you, because I was hurt. I wanted a reaction from you, but I didn’t mean it.” His hand landed on her thigh, casually soothing, as she still straddled him. “I trust you, more than anybody. And I know you.” She continued, “I love you.” She’d given him everything she had now. He took a deep breath through his nose, took it deep into his chest and let it settle. The corner of his mouth lifted and his eyes warmed. His hand gripped her thigh, his eyes shining before he closed them. She’d given him everything, but he always gave back. Just one more thing to go. She swallowed in preparation. “About Faith,” she started, his eyes back on her. “I don’t trust her, and I don’t like her very much right now and that may not change, like, ever,” he kept grazing her thigh, never stopping touching her. She needed that touch. “But you got through to her when nobody else could. God knows I couldn’t. You got her to listen. That’s kind of amazing, Angel. I’m proud of you, even if I’m not exactly super happy about how it happened.”

"Thank you." He looked at her adoringly, like she had all the answers he needed in life. He'd looked at her like that so many times since she'd known him. She missed it. “It’s just you, Buffy. It’s only you. You’re it.” He promised her quietly, a last pledge to her as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him and burying his head against her collarbone. She wrapped her arms around him too. She’d gotten every important reassurance she’d ever wanted from Angel, but she still couldn’t have him. She held him tighter, hiding away from reality in his big frame.

“Always.” She vowed into his neck. His body holding hers was the only response she got. It was all she wanted; she didn’t need any more words from him tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final sort of within-canon part of this.

Buffy woke up feeling stiff, but so cosy. Fingers were lazily running up and down the base of her spine. She hummed happily, burrowing deeper in her vampire bed and blanket. With that movement, she realised how tight her legs felt and groaned at the cramp. “Oh I don’t think people are supposed to fall asleep with their legs spread.” Her eyes opened at what she just said. “Uh, I mean,” she started embarrassed, “With their legs around someone else. Straddling someone.” That wasn’t exactly better. She pulled back, completely avoiding Angel’s eyes. “I mean, oh god.” she lifted her leg from his lap, throbbing shooting up the inside of her thigh as she pulled herself away from him, settling next to him. She felt the loss of his fingers on her back. “Can we pretend I didn’t say that? Like, maybe I’m just waking up now and the last 30 seconds didn’t happen?”

When she chanced a look at him she found him looking amused, a half smile on his face as he watched her. “Hey! No laughing at Buffy!” she half protested. It was hard to be seriously offended when he had that smile on his face. “That’s the girl you love you’re laughing at, you know.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty cute.” He smiled at her, his white teeth showing. Oh that worked like a charm. Of course it did – it was Angel. Still, she pouted at him. He turned serious again and she wanted to grieve the smile, but his eyes were still warm, light. “Say it again.“ he said softly, almost pleadingly.

“Huh?”

“That I love you. Say it.”

“You love me.” She gave. She liked saying it, now that she felt sure of it again.

“Again.” This really shouldn’t turn her on. She knew that definitely wasn’t the point, but Angel staring at her like that? Demanding things from her with that assertiveness? He gave into her so often, letting her lead. Him actually showing he wanted something from her? It was so unexpected. Yeah, it had an effect. She decided to turn it more playful, away from the sexiness.

“You, Angel, love me, Buffy.” She smiled at him. This was fun.

“Again.” He repeated. He hadn’t moved, just continued looking at her.

“Angel loves Buffy.” She giggled. He blinked at her.

“You used to write that on your school books.” He told her.

“Oh god,” she grumbled. “Are we back to embarrassing me moments again?”

“No,” he reassured with a sure voice. “It was…” he trailed off, his eyes shifting away. Then he was leaning towards her and his hand was reaching up to her face. He gently touched the cut on her forehead, feeling around the bump. “Do you want something for that?” he asked her. “It looks bad.”

“No, s’okay. It’ll be fine in a couple days. Slayer.” She shrugged it off. “In fact, it feels better already. You poking it like that helps heaps.”

“Sorry.” His hand dropped away like he’d burned her. 

“You’re not supposed to stop touching me. That wasn’t what I was going for.”

“Oh.” Back to solo words again. She wasn’t really complaining. It was so Angel speech it was actually comforting, in its way.

Suddenly his hands were fully on her, sliding under her legs and gripping the back of her upper thighs, picking her up and supporting her weight. She squeaked as she was once again in his arms, her legs automatically wrapping around his waist, her arms around his shoulders. She was backwards as he carried her out of the room. She didn’t know what was happening, all sorts of visions from him dumping her outside to him taking her to his bed going through her mind. She wanted to fill the silence, ramble away, but she kept quiet, watching the rooms change as he moved through the mansion. She remembered what he’d said about her strength, about her legs gripping him. She chanced tightening her legs around his waist and he startled just slightly. Nobody else would have noticed the disruption on his movement, but Buffy did. 

He placed her on a waist-height side table in a hallway. He stepped away from her without a word, just a slight squeeze on her legs, the only physical indicator he was even aware of her. He left her sight and she sat there confused, relieved when he came back a second later with a small box in his hand. She recognised it. She’d used it many times after nights of slaying – his first aid supplies. He placed it down on the side table next to her, she kept quiet still, the only noise as he opened and rummaged in the plastic box.

“This might sting a little.” He cautioned her before cool cream was smeared at her cut, followed by cool fingers rubbing it in. Her brow tightened some in response, but it wasn’t too bad. He cut a large strip of band-aid, placing the wrappings down. She watched his face as he worked, fully focused on her, the band-aid being smoothed on, a final brush of his fingers at her temple.

“Thanks.” She said quietly. She didn’t really need the band-aid, and she knew Angel knew that too; it was already starting to close and she would fully heal, and soon, but she sort of loved that he wanted to take care of her anyway. He closed the box, picked up the wrappings and was gone again. Then like before, he was quickly back, sans box. He stepped into the cradle of her legs. She tensed as his hands followed, falling deliberately onto the main of her thigh.

“How are your legs? Sorry I let you fall asleep like that.”

“Huh?” she wasn’t sure of thought process just now. She just stared at him, concentrating on the feel of his hands on her. The corner of his mouth lifted as he started to massage her thighs, thumbs digging into her inner leg, teasing any lasting stiffness away. She whimpered. She didn’t mean to, but when his smile grew, she didn’t regret it. If this was his payback for her squeezing her legs around him, she would happily take it.

“I should leave soon, try to get back to LA before the sunrise. Or I can stay another day, if you want me to.” His eyes stayed staring down at her legs. For how much clothing she was wearing she felt very exposed.

“I want,” she promised quickly. His eyes flicked up towards hers. “I want,” she started again, swallowing before continuing. “But it’s probably best if you go back tonight.” It almost hurt to say it, her throat closing like her body wanted to refuse. His hands shifted to her hips, working the joints of her legs, easing away all discomfort. He nodded once, just a bow of his head.

“If you need me,” he offered. “For help with slaying or…anything else.” She wanted to ask if that covered want as well. What if she just wanted him? But she didn’t ask, instead accepting his offer without word. It did mean so much to her. Especially considering where they were with each other yesterday.

“And Buffy?” She waited for him to finish. He was looking at her again, his face relaxed. “About Riley?”

She stilled, unsure how this was going to go. It had been much easier to pretend Riley didn’t exist for the last few hours. So much easier. She could just be Buffy – Buffy with Angel. Not Buffy with a boyfriend making her life more difficult for herself with an ex. ‘An ex’, as if that could ever describe Angel or her and Angel. She looked back at him, giving her attention.

“I don’t like him.” He told her easily, soft and teasing smile bracing his lips.

She smiled, relief feeling her. Warmth, even. Angel trying to give her something normal. ‘The ex’ being difficult over the new boyfriend. The normal thing was more important to him than it was to her, but because she knew he did have such a hang-up on it, she cherished his effort. It wouldn’t be something she could do, but here was Angel, trying to give her this, even though she knew it hurt.

“Thank you.” She said. It was for so much more than just the teasing of Riley, and she hoped he understood that. She was so thankful he had followed her back to Sunnydale. It had given her so much strength, reminded her who she was. Only Angel could give her that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the last part of the within canon part. Initially it was all I really planned to write, just an alternative/extra conversation slotted in within canon, but turns out I didn't actually want to leave B/A without each other, so carried on in a new non-canon path. I figured a single chapter epilogue would do it but it's starting to get long so I may change the format at some point. I may end up marking this as complete and then make the epilogue a multi-part sequel or companion piece or something. I'll leave this open for now until I decide.
> 
> Hope this has been enjoyable! Thank you so much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be three parts to this that fit in between canon, basically, and then a separate sequel that will diverge away from canon. The first three can be read by themselves without the sequel.


End file.
